


Pain is Pain

by Anonymous



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Character Study, F/F, Gen, How is that not a tag, Other, Queens, Season 3 Finale, The 100 (TV) Season 3, Wanheda Clarke Griffin, but it's not super dark, i just love her so much, in this house we stan indra and octavia and lexa and gaia, just kinda sad, octavia needs to take a chill pill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:28:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26752843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: "Gaia remembers the pain of finding out that her mother had gained a second named Octavia; her own little soldier to train and turn ruthless.Gaia hadn’t yet been established as a Fleimkepa and left home, but even at the age of eighteen she pitied the poor girl that Indra had taken on. She knew that Octavia would die or give up within the first two weeks, like almost all of Indra's students.And yet Octavia didn’t.And all of a sudden, there wasn’t disappointment from her mother, either. There was nothing at all."
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Gaia & Indra (The 100), Gaia & Titus (The 100), Minor or Background Relationship(s), Octavia Blake & Indra
Comments: 9
Kudos: 25
Collections: Anonymous





	Pain is Pain

**Author's Note:**

> gaia and indra and murphy are my favorite characters and anybody who hates them will be e a t e n
> 
> THANK YOU TO KAT (SANCTUARIA) FOR THE BETA AND FOR MAKING THIS PILE OF ME STANNING GAIA INTO A COHERENT FIC

Gaia isn’t stupid.

She knows the mark of the Commander, and whatever these new Skaikru are trying to give to the people in Polis is certainly not anything that should be affiliated with the Flame and Pramheda. 

...

_ Gaia managed to see one of the small pills up close once, sneaking up behind a man preaching false promises while a basket of the pills lay behind him. She inspected the chips with sharp eyes, noticing the striking similarities between them and the Flame. _

_ She began to back out but the man declaring he could conquer pain turned to face her despite her silent footsteps, unnatural in the way his eyes seemed to see right through her to her very soul. He made her an offer, showed her one of the bone-white pills sitting in his palm. Take the chip, and be free from pain. _

_ That’s what he’d called the pill, a ‘chip’.  _

_ Gaia asked if it would eliminate emotional pain. _

_ The man simply replied, “Pain is pain.” _

_ Pain is pain. _

_ Gaia remembers the pain of getting struck down to the ground in training when she was ten, wiping away tears before they could be seen as weakness. (Tears were never allowed after her father’s death.) She remembers looking up and seeing her mother frowning down upon her, disappointed.  _

_ It seems Indra has always been disappointed with Gaia.  _

_ Gaia remembers the pain of learning her father and grandmother had died. She remembers seeing her mother’s face turn into hard stone when she returned home that day. _

_ Gaia remembers the pain of having lost some of her mother that day, too. _

_ Gaia remembers the pain of finding out that her mother had gained a second, her own little soldier to train and turn ruthless. A girl; Octavia.  _

_ Gaia hadn’t yet been established as a Fleimkepa scout; her shoulder was not yet marked with the tattoo of their faith. Gaia had not left her mother yet, but even at the age of eighteen she pitied the poor girl that Indra had taken on. She knew that she would give up within the first few weeks, like all of the others. _

_ And yet Octavia didn’t. _

_ And all of a sudden, there wasn’t disappointment from her mother, either. There was nothing at all. _

_ Gaia remembers the night she began her ceremony, her final step to being instated as a Fleimkepa novitiate. It’d been a private event, but the ceremony marked the end of Gaia’s blood ties to Indra, the last remaining family she had left. After that, she would be fully a servant of the Commanders, starting a three-year training before becoming a full fledged Kepa, ready to serve.  _

_ Gaia met with Indra before the ceremony, her chin held high, for once. _

_ “This is my path, Mother. I owe it to my faith.” _

_ Indra hadn’t responded. Gaia received nothing from her mother, none of the pain or regret in her eyes that Gaia had foolishly hoped she’d see. _

_ And Gaia remembers feeling nothing. _

_ “No. I have overcome my pain on my own, without the help of that false  thing ,” Gaia had spat at him before silently walking away, feeling the man’s unwavering gaze on her back.  _

… 

Then the violence comes.

As the strange believers begin to forcefully round up everyone to eat the chips, Gaia hides, sliding into a dark hidden passageway Titus showed her before he died. She’s eye level with the dirt of the common street that led to the main building. Close up, she can see and smell boots stomping by heavily; sometimes limp, dragging feet right behind.

Gaia prays to Pramheda that they are not dead bodies. 

Judging from how they’re not making noise, she can infer that they are.

Soon the screaming starts and blood begins to seep into the floor, flooding the dirt and dripping into Gaia’s hideout. The deep red droplets that her people have spilt makes Gaia sick, but she stays quiet and still.

She waits. Waits as the coppery scent of blood burns her nose and clouds of dust and dirt fill the small hiding spot as she fights for fresh air. Waits as more and more screams and hoarse shouts add to the noise outside. Waits as hundreds of people walk by, some of them dropping to their knees without reason. 

Gaia sees no faces from her hiding place. She is grateful for that.

She hears the gunshot, later. Somebody’s cries follow, and the boots that cluster around the fallen body belong to people who mutter-  _ Wanheda _ . 

The Commander of Death.

_ Who has she killed this time? _ Gaia wonders.

Gaia has heard rumours of the closeness of Wanheda and the Commander from Titus’s angry mutterings when he used to teach her late at night. She wonders if maybe that means Wanheda ended up with the Flame, if Titus didn’t have it when he died. Gaia grits her teeth at the thought; that somebody so cursed is holding the most sacred object of her people. 

Gaia didn’t condone many of Titus’ personal opinions but at least he was devoted to their faith; enough to protect the Flame. 

But he slit his own throat. Gaia hates him for it; for taking the coward’s way out, for leaving her alone as the last protector of their faith. Of  _ her _ faith. 

... 

_ She saw Titus only once before he slit his throat, right after he’d removed the Flame from Lexa. _

_ He’d come back scarily silent. He was always quiet, but something was wrong. Gaia watched him as he entered and ignored all of her questions for where he had been. _

_ And then he told her Lexa was dead. _

_ Gaia had met the Commander only once, in complete awe as the young leader had looked at her like she had promise. Like she could mean something despite having failed Indra time and time again. (Indra had been there, too, right next to Lexa’s throne. Gaia had still been young and foolish enough to believe that she’d seen something akin to pride in Indra’s eyes.) _

_ And now Lexa was gone. _

_ His hands were soaked in black, inky blood as he scrubbed them raw, his lips pursed and his face stony. _

_ Gaia said nothing, just sat where she was on her cot, watching him as her mind raced about the future of Polis and the clans without a commander. _

Surely they’ll find one, _ she thought.  _ They have to. What will I be without a Flame and a Commander to protect?

_ “Gaia,” Titus said, his voice quiet yet intense. _

_ “Yes?” she replied warily. _

_ Titus was gripping the edges of the basin, staring down into the blackened water with a blank look. “When I die, you will be the next Fleimkepa.” _

_ “When you die…?” Gaia didn’t understand. _

_ “Soon. You must take up the role. I am the last Fleimkepa, and you are the last novitiate.” _

_ Gaia leapt up. “I- I can’t do that; I’m barely a year into trainin-” _

_ “You must!” Titus snarled as he looked up for the first time, causing Gaia to take a step back. “You must, because the clans need a Fleimkepa.” _

_ “You are a Fleimkepa!” Gaia protested, knowing she was crossing a line by pushing her Seda back, but she couldn’t hold it in. “They have you, do they not?” She demanded. “This is-” _

_ “I KILLED HER!” Titus screamed at his student, his face red and his eyes manic as he fell to his knees and sobbed. “I killed Lexa,” he moaned, clutching his head with hands that were still stained black.  _

_ Gaia stared at him in silence, unable to breathe. _

_ After a tense moment filled with Titus taking in shallow, trembling breaths, he shook his head and looked back up to Gaia, his eyes more vulnerable than she’d ever seen. “I must atone,” he said softly. “After the rituals are complete, I must atone for my actions, and then I will be gone. And the Clans will need a Fleimkepa.” _

_ After a moment, Gaia nodded stiffly, putting as much distance between herself and Titus until her back was pressed flush against the wall. _

_ “Good, good.” Titus sat back on his heels and blankly stared at his shaking hands as Gaia told herself that she would do everything she could to keep the Flame- and its next Commander- safe. She would do better than Titus. _

... 

Gaia can't really explain how, but when she hears a woman nearby cursing in Trigedasleng before giving in to a hoarse shout as hammers clang against nails, ripping apart her flesh, Gaia knows it's  _ her _ .

They haven't seen each other since before the Skaikru leader, Pike, murdered hundreds of Trikru warriors sent to defend them from Azgeda. Gaia had been told that Indra had been the lone survivor. She didn’t react to the news, simply sat down heavily on the ground and bowed her head in thanks to Pramheda.

Later that week, she saw Indra with her arm wrapped in a sling, alone in one of the small huts. Gaia had never seen her so… defeated. Not since her father’s death.

The horrors continue to refuse to cease, and as Gaia sees the blank calm over the people of Polis that are not screaming in pain, she decides that they are not human anymore. They are something else; something twisted and corrupt.

Eventually, it's like a switch- the people kneeling start keeling over or getting up and running. More and more raw screams tear through the air.

Gaia watches in horror as her mother comes into view, mere meters away, her face contorted into the familiar expression that Gaia had learned early on was how she covered her pain. Indra visibly stifles a groan as the people help her down to the ground, her hands and feet soaked in red.

Gaia swallows as she realizes that whatever those controlling chips were must've been erased, or defeated or disabled; she wasn't sure. Whatever happened, it seems that the people have become human once again, judging by the sobbing filling the air. 

She debates going towards her mother and revealing herself to the others as having hidden during the battle. Simply making sure Indra's okay.  After a moment, Gaia decides to go to her and begins to leave the tunnel. She climbs up and out of a small exit hidden by barrels and into the sunlight, where she's greeted by a putrid smell of rotting flesh and screaming people everywhere.

Gaia tears her eyes away from the pain and looks to her mother, but stills.

Octavia is leaning over Indra, clutching her arm. Indra asks her something and Octavia nods.

Gaia just watches, realizing that Octavia is who Indra needs right now. Not her.

Indra likely thinks of Gaia as a coward, hiding the entire time. Octavia is dressed in full battle armor; she was probably saving the Clans and had something to do with undoing the unthinking monsters their people had become.

_ Her _ people.

Gaia watches the two interact for a few more moments, her face hidden in the shadows. She feels a pain deep in her stomach but pushes it away and climbs back into the tunnel, making her way towards the Fleimkepa's quarters.

Indra has her daughter now; her leader, her pet assassin she's always wanted.

And Gaia has a job to do.

... 

_ "Mama! Mama!" Eight-year-old Gaia tore into the small bedroom, beaming as she leapt onto the bed. "Mother!" she insisted excitedly. _

_ "Gaia, calm down," her mother told her sternly. _

_ "Today is another Fleimkepa event, Mama," Gaia explained, though she was aware her mother already knew. "In Polis. I wish we could go," she sighed and flopped back onto the fur blanket on her parents' bed. _

_ "I don't know why you're so interested in those foolish traditions." _

_ "You're the one who said we have to respect the Commanders and all of the Kepas," Gaia argued. "They're sacred." _

_ "Yes, but we are warriors, Gaia. We protect the commander and the faith, and the Fleimkepa and his scouts execute it." _

_ "Warriors," Gaia echoed. _

_ "Yes." _

_ Gaia frowned. "Do we have to be?" _

_ "Yes. Your father and I have high honour in Trikru. Between being our child and your training, you will be a great soldier." _

_ "Preventing battles?" Gaia said with a hopeful smile. _

_ "Oh, Gaia," Indra gave her a look. "You know better than that. You'll protect our people, and honor our ways. Blood must have blood. You know this. Come, I need you to work with me on these.” _

_ "Yes, mama," Gaia bit her lip thoughtfully as she knelt down next to her mother. "Is the commander our people?" she asked after a moment. _

_ "Yes." _

_ "Am I your people?" Gaia tilted her head curiously and smiled. _

_ "Of course." _

_ "Sooooo, if you had to protect me or the commander, who would you choose?" _

_ Indra stilled. "Gaia," she began quietly. _

_ Gaia sighed, bracing herself for a lecture. "I know, mama, the commander is most important, righ-" _

_ "You." _

_ Gaia stared at her mother, whose face was indiscernible. "Mother?" _

_ "Gaia." Her mother turned to her and got onto her knees so they were face to face. “Listen to me. The Commander is who we should protect and serve. We should hold her above all other lives.” _

_ “But…” _

_ “I can’t,” Indra admitted. “Not when it comes to you. Because you are my people, Gaia. I teach you to fight for honor and Heda, yes, but also to defend yourself.” _

_ Gaia opened her mouth to question her mother, a woman of such strong devotion to the Commander that she would not hesitate to give her life. _

_ “It is not cowardly to back out from a battle you know you will not win,” Indra said, almost to herself, before looking back at Gaia. “If Pramheda decides it so, I will die fighting for Trikru or our Heda, and you will take my place. You will be strong, and fearless, and you will honor our family. But you will be smart, too. Understand?” _

_ Gaia nodded. “Yes, mother.” _

_ Indra looked at her daughter for another moment before resuming her task in silence. _

_ … _

Gaia makes her way back into the temple, frowning as she hears a baby crying from outside but relaxing marginally when seeing she is in the gentle arms of a Trikru woman Gaia recognizes.

Gaia ducks inside of the small tunnel that leads to the room where she and Titus lived. The first thing she needs to do is locate the Flame, and then obtain scouts. Gaia was the last of the scouts before Titus had died, and now she’s alone as the sole Fleimkepa.

Gaia is utterly alone.

Titus has left her to shoulder this burden. Gaia isn’t worried she will fail as Fleimkepa, but she is upset that he didn’t even seem to care if she’d succeed or fail after his death. 

He never cared.

...

_ Gaia remembers training, beaming every time she received a word of praise or approval from Titus because it was more than she’d gotten from her mother in years. _

_ She attached herself to him and the faith, studying harder than any other novitiates because she found something she wanted to do and she wasn’t being shamed for it by Titus or the others. Somebody was finally proud, or at least more than indifferent, about her devotion to the religion. _

_ Gaia was foolish and vulnerable, allowing herself to believe that Titus cared simply because he paid more attention to her than any adult ever had since her father’s death. _

_ She overlooked every time he called her names or yelled at her or insisted she was worthless because at least she existed to him. _

_ And to her, that was enough. _

_ … _

Gaia sits down heavily on her cot, running her hand along the soft fur blanket that she’s had since she was a child; the only possession she owns from before her Ceremony. 

Titus had never cared. He had chosen his path of death, similar to how her people had chosen the chip over pain.

Indra would call them all cowards.

Gaia chose to hide from the pain and suffering in Polis. Was that any different?

… 

_ After her father’s death, Gaia was punished for showing grief. Indra tried to harden her daughter and began to insist that the young child train with the other soldiers in Trikru.  _

_ Gaia could see that a part of her mother had broken; shattered into a thousand pieces. The kind mother Gaia had loved turned cold, ruthless. The only thing that became important to her was honor, and defending their people. _

_ Young Gaia tried to understand why she didn’t seem to be part of her mother’s people. _

_ She never understood that her mother had been trying to protect her, in her own twisted way. Making her into a strong soldier so that she wouldn’t be hit with tragedy like they both had been before. _

_ Somehow it just made Gaia more vulnerable, enough that she turned to faith and a new path of life, trying to escape the turmoil of loss and her mother that were ripping her open from the inside. _

_ The rift between her and her mother turned into a chasm, and Gaia was alone. _

_ … _

Titus was a coward and her mother was a soldier.

Gaia doesn’t believe she is either of those things.

She is a product of pain and loss and growing up without a father. She is a web of emotions and a sense of duty and her faith. She is different from her mother, yet somehow she understands her more and more as the days pass.

She will try to be better than Titus or Indra. She’s seen their mistakes firsthand, and can learn from them.

Gaia will be the Fleimkepa, ready to do whatever it takes to protect the Flame and its next rightful commander. She has failed before, but this time she won’t. She owes it to herself and her faith. She’s spent her life trying to be somebody worth something.

But she’s not. 

She’s just the Fleimkepa, trained to serve her faith. She’s nothing without her faith. She protects the Flame, not her people. That's all she can do. She's no warrior; her mother has made that clear. 

Skairipa and Wanheda will protect the people of Polis, and she will help the next Commander.

That's the way it always has been, and that's the way it will continue to be. 

...

**Author's Note:**

> (the entire last memory thing of baby gaia is in trigeldeslang)
> 
> feedback is lovelyyyy
> 
> i swear i really like indra i do i know i paint her bad here
> 
> i just feel like she wasnt a. great parent. she got better, but


End file.
